I've been pretty much a calm, cool, and collected person all my life (I think I get that from my dad.) I'm always the one who tells people to calm down, chill, relax, take a deep breath. It's funny how the tables are turned and I can't even take my own advice. I have never felt such an incredible, insatiable rage inside me. Don't worry--I'm not gonna go postal and kill people! But it's a bitter anger that churns and burns deep inside me. One moment, I'm feeling quiet and restful, and the next thing I know, the smallest thing will wake the anger monster in me. It's become a cycle. Anger....gradual settling down.....peace and forgiveness......then anger rears its ugly head again.
Last night I attended Joy FM's Night for Single Moms event. I cried when I pulled into the parking lot and saw hundreds of cars. God never intended for so many women to be raising their children on their own. I felt out of place, but then after awhile, I found myself adjusting to my new status and feeling like I had a lot in common with the hundreds of beautiful women that were there.
Ayiesha Woods was the first performer. She rocks! I loved her music before this all happened to me, so it was so cool to see her in person. She's so humble and has such a deep relationship with God. Even though she's single with no children, she spoke so many words of encouragement to me. I bought her CD right before they sold out! Also performing was Kim Hill. She's a divorced mom of two boys and also had a lot of advice and encouragement. I remember seeing Kim in concert when she opened for Amy Grant back in 1990 (remember that, Marty?) Then the guest speaker was Deidre Pujols, wife of Cardinal player, Albert Pujols. You can watch her testimony here.
It was such a good night. What a surprise to run into Joy and Holly from my church who are in almost identical situations as me. We stood in the parking lot, comparing notes, and praying for one another for about an hour after the concert ended! It's so encouraging to know that I'm not alone.
That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Corinthians 12:10)
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2 comments:
Hi MJ,
I have to say right off the bat that you ARE such a strong and gracious woman. Anger is a very big part of what you are going through. You get angry at what he did, what you are dealing with, the 'death' of what 'was', what was to be... and also, anger that we felt...but pushed aside. So yes, it will come out. I had to explain it to my daughter and it helped when she knew that I wasn't angry at her, per se...I was just angry for a lot of things. The anger is pretty much gone. I find myself feeling sad at a couple of situations. But that, too, is the process.
I have to give you much credit and kudos for getting out and doing things! That is not always easy and I admire you for socializing, doing things and being with good friends and people. That is SO important, and sometimes not easy to do...so.. YOU GO, GIRL! : )
You are going to be fine and you are not walking this path alone. You've already made great strides on your new path! Keep walking! The view gets even better!! : )
love and hugs
VB
I can only imagine how hard this has been for you. You've been on an emotional roller coaster and that is draining in so many ways. Continue to be strong and Heavenly Father will be there to help you along the way.
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