A Symbol of My Life

This is my "tree" that my ex's grandmother gave us in the last year of our marriage. It looked different then. It was tall, ugly, and gangly. I wanted to leave it out on the deck in the winter to die, along with my marriage. But I didn't. And the next spring, along with my new life, I hacked away at all the old crap. There was new growth at the bottom, and this is what it looks like 3 years later. A symbol of my life. Oh, and I love the tree now, by the way! And my life. :o)

You can see in the background the gangly ugliness of the tree in its previous life (and we won't talk about the guilt flowers from my ex when I had NO CLUE he was being unfaithful to me, but I digress!)

Let Me Eat Cake ;o)

Last Friday night, I enjoyed a delicious slice of my ex-husband's wedding cake.

Yes, you heard that right!

The wedding and reception were held at the couple's house so my daughters, in their beautiful bridesmaid dresses, brought home enough leftovers for us to host a small dinner party ourselves. As I stood in my kitchen and partook of the delicious chocolate and cream cheese cake (home made by the bride herself), I smiled and thought of how far I have come in these past few years.

In fact, as hard as it is to explain, I felt a sense of elation that my ex was remarrying. Even though we have been disconnected for some time, this day seemed to pronounce an even deeper sensation of liberty in my life. It makes no sense, I know, but I think someday I will see.

Forgiveness is quite a beautiful thing. It is indeed a gift from God as I never ever could forgive that man on my own. Harboring anger, resentment and the bitterness that stems from it only served to make me a miserable person. As time passed, I realized how much better my life has become as a single woman. This sense of liberty arose within me, a freedom like I never knew.

I remember talking to God several years ago, feeling so trapped in a miserable marriage, wondering, "Is this all there is to life? I made a vow, 'till death do us part,' that I will adhere to, but God, is this as good as it gets?" The simple reply I got and didn't understand at the time was, "Just wait."

I received my own proposal of marriage a few weeks ago from a lovesick man who just isn't my type. His affection is endearing, but makes me realize what an independent woman I have become. At one time in my life, I felt I needed a husband to make me worthwhile. I took the first best thing to come along, even though there were many flaws and it wasn't a good match. There was true love for awhile, but it was short-lived (on his part anyway) and it left me in the cold, wondering what in the world I had been doing.

So I celebrated that night with that sweet slice of cake, wishing my ex and his bride all the best in my mind (and lots of good luck to her!!)

The path before me opens ever wider. Unlimited possibilities are within reach.

Dreams really do come true, Cinderella, and they don't always revolve around a prince.

It's a piece of cake! ;o)

"Please.....what is this......how do you say.....'carry'?" Arina from Kazakhstan asked with her wide blue eyes and shy smile.

I am beaming because I have found my calling, or actually I should say I knew my calling but am finally putting it into action!

Last week I began as a volunteer tutor in an English as a Second Language (ESL) class at a local high school. The certified teacher, Victoria, threw me right into the teaching on the very first day. It felt so natural for me to read a simple story to the class. I carefully a-nun-ci-at-ed each sound, asked the students to "repeat please," and had fun demonstrating what the word, "sway" means by moving back and forth as if I was a tree!

The class of 12 or 13 students range in age from early 20s to late 50s. Countries represented (so far) include Korea, Mexico, Ukraine, Venezuela, Kenya, Brazil, Kazakhstan, Pakistan, and El Salvador. The very first evening I walked in, the students smiled and looked at me with respect. Within 10 minutes, Soon, an older Korean lady, called me "Teacher," and my heart melted!

All these students are here voluntarily to improve their English. It's awesome that they attend for free as the program is funded through the State of Missouri.

I love it when Antonio from Mexico corrects Boris from Ukraine on the correct personal pronoun he needs for a sentence. I love it when we, as a class, from different languages, cultures and parts of the world, can share a joke and all laugh together. I love to see the look in their eyes when understanding comes upon them.

I already knew, but have learned even moreso, that a smile knows no language barriers. I love it when I see the students from different countries partnering together in their workbooks.

I love it that at last I have taken one giant leap into my future!

I'm Updating Just for You, Helen!

Um, yeah well. I'm rather embarrassed that I never seem to have anything to say here anymore. Maybe because I'm obsessed with the short-and-easy random statuses I leave on Facebook?

Kat's friend Helen told her to tell me to update, so here I am! TA-DA! :o)

I just survived another tax season. Strange, but good. My top week was 92.5 hours. The older I get, the more stamina I seem to have. Hmm. I imagine one of these years I'll just collapse for real! But I love my job. The overtime is great (and the extra cash, necessary) and the long hours are just short-term.




Now I'm in recovery mode, trying not to fall into the laziness trap and trying not to get overwhelmed by my very long to-do list. Today I made an excursion to this place. I used to be intimidated by such places back in my married days when I was a completely differently person and didn't realize that women could like this stuff too! I'm making a wishlist of cool things I want (yeah, they're really cool to me now!) leaf blower/vacuum, Shark steam mop, maybe a power washer. (I know - call me a freak!)

I've been following Dave Ramsey's program of paying off the debt I've accumulated because of and since my divorce. I haven't used a credit card since last November. Yeah! I'm anticipating being debt-free (except for the house) in three years. Then I'll be off to see the world (Lord willing!) Whee!

Another daily part of my life is this and what a HUGE blessing Brian Hardin and his ministry has been to me. I love his realness. God wants us to be REAL, not caught up in tradition and surrounded by a bubble to protect ourselves in. So many people are just too comfortable in their saved spot on the pew each week. WWJD? He got out in the streets where the real people were. I want that too.

What's in a Name?

My good friend, Kelly, posed a question on Facebook this morning: "What does your name mean and are you living up to it?" Interesting. I've always known the importance of names in biblical days, but today? I didn't give much thought to naming my girls Kaitlynn ("pure") Rose ("fame or flower") and Emily ("rival") Ann ("grace"). I just liked the beautiful sound of their names.

I Googled a name-meaning website and discovered this:

My first name Mary means "sea of bitterness" (I have swam in that sea) and "rebelliousness" (I have defiantly raised that banner high). I like the Egyptian meaning which is "beloved." My middle name is Johanna which is the female version of John which means "gracious" - So I shall call myself "Beloved Grace" and hope I can live up to that! :o)

Kelly told me that Dr. Gerald Jeffers recently spoke on the name Mary which comes from "Mariam" which originally comes from "Moriah" (bitter water). Jesus was born from something meaning "bitter" and He turned it into something great. I like that!

Which reminds me of one of my favorite worship songs, "So Beautiful" by Kari Jobe and Christ for the Nations. Here is the verse that always touches me so deeply:

Merciful Father

There is none that compares to you

Who can take my bitterness

And make something sweet?

Only You

This is a cool website to check out: Behindthename.com

So what does your name mean? Are you living up to it?

Happy New Year!

Wow....WOW

This is the first New Year's Eve since I've been a teenager that I'm not melancholy and wistful and regretful and fearful about the old year and the new.

Why has my life always revolved around have the perfect, ideal man - just having a man? I guess that's due to the fairy tales we girls are raised on. "Your Prince Charming is out there!"

Bleh.

I waited for Prince Charming and he turned out to be an ugly toad in disguise. And every New Year's Eve I wished and hoped the new year would magically turn him into a prince. But he only became more hideous.

And then *poof* he was gone. And I was sad. Because I thought he was the one and only frog. But once I realized it was a good thing he was gone, I thought instantly the REAL Prince Charming would come galloping up on his white steed.

But.....the real Prince Charming apparently had issues of his own and could not be found.

So, to make a long story short, this princess is FINALLY and happily content - truly content - to know her self-worth does not involve having a Prince Charming in her life to make her happy.

Now I celebrate the old with no regrets and look joyfully into the New Year and thankful for the road behind and the one that's ahead. No fear, no doubt, no sadness!

Praying you will have a regret-free and hopeful 2010 as well!

Mourning my Coffee Pot

Is it wrong to mourn an inanimate object? Yesterday, Emily, in all her 14-year-old carelessness, flung my coffee pot away from the wall, trying to access the microwave. I heard a crash and gasped to see my little 6-cup decanter from Gevalia strewn across the kitchen floor in millions of pieces!

It's not that big of a deal. I can probably run up to Walgreen's and get a replacement. But that coffee pot has been around 15 years and has made me many a fine cup of coffee! Since the ex didn't drink coffee, it was the perfect size for me. I could get just about 2-1/2 mugs from it.

That coffee pot saw me through major changes in my relationship with God - through many good conversations with Him and some deep, revelatory Bible studies. That coffee pot has been around since the early moments when I saw my marriage fall apart and subsequent years where I tried valiantly and failed not-so-valiantly to save my marriage. That coffee pot has seen me through laughter, tears, hundreds of journal entries, hours on the phone, hours spent online, chatting with friends or emailing, comforting times in the sunroom, watching the rain, or the snow. That coffee pot has been around for all the holidays over the years and since my girls were very small!

*sniff*

Thank you for sharing this time of mourning with me. Thankfully I still have my big coffee pot to fall back on!