Dae: Yes, but then she would complain that i never get her any flowers or candy or chocolates and my coworker got a GIANT bouquetwhydon'tyoueverdoan​ythingthoughtfulformewhyis​itsohardtofindagoodmannott​hatyouaren'tagoodmanbutyou​couldbemorethoughtfulwoulditKILLYOUtobealittl​emorethoughtfulespeciallya​fterallthosebedroomthingsi​doforyouevenwheni'mnotinth​emoodireallydon'tthinkit's​thatbigadealbutifyouwantto​gowatchthesportsballgamewi​thyourbuddiesfinei'lljusts​tayhereandbesadandalonebec​ausethat'swhatyoureallywan​tanyhowisn'titohmygodishou​ldhavemarriedJames.

MJ: Let me tell it to you this way: Don't waste money on a day when romance is EXPECTED. Obligation does not equal romance. Send her a simple bouquet of flowers on some random day of the year with a note that says, "Just Because." Then she will appreciate you. And that's much more adventurous than "Ohgreatit'sFebruary14thIh​opeI canstillfindacardandflower​sathegrocerystoreonmywayho​mefromwork."

Miranda Lambert - The House That Built Me

Lemonade Stand

I was in my old neighborhood the other day and drove down the street I lived on from ages 2 until 23. My mom lived there until she passed away 4 years ago. What a pleasant surprise to see a group of exuberant kids at the bottom of the driveway of the house I knew most of my life.

"LEMONADE!!! Pleeeeeease stop!" they shouted at me as I slowed down and grinned at them. I pulled over and asked, "Do you live here? This is my old house. I grew up here!" The 10-year-old girl who matched the dad and little brother up near the house looked at me in surprise.

I chose lemonade from their poster board menu. "Give her a crazy straw!" they all shouted to the concessionaire. I paid and was handed a purple cup of fresh-squeezed lemonade (complete with floating lemon seeds) and a blue swirly straw that was way too big for the cup.

"Have a nice day!" they shouted as I pulled away from the curb.

I sipped the lemonade as I drove back home, and a tear came to my eye. How many lemonade stands did we have throughout the years in that very same spot? We never could imagine any other family but ours living at 680 Hazelvalley. Now a new family with new kids has taken our place. What a refreshing feeling to "meet" the new tenants and see that they are continuing the tradition in the house that built me.

P.S. That was the best lemonade ever. :o)

Daily Making a Difference in My Life

I'm grateful for that boy genius, Mark Zuckerberg

What did we ever do before Facebook? :o)

What's Wrong with This Picture?

My daughters are going to their dad's tonight for their new blended-family Christmas pictures. I have lots of friends and family with blended families. This is not a new concept to me. It just feels really odd that my girls will be in a family picture without me!

I struggle with this perception: This man took a vow to be faithful to only me, till death do us part. He slept with numerous women while we were still married (all the while pretending to be the good husband). Now he skips off into the sunset with a new wife and family. Something is truly wrong with this picture.

And it's not just me. I see this happening in today's society all too often. People are throwing away their marriages with a casual toss at the slightest sign of boredom or problems. Where is the commitment? Are there none that are faithful and want to work out their problems anymore in this day and age?

Beyond Thankful

A scene from my early morning walk

Thanksgiving is fast becoming my next favorite time of year after Christmas. What used to be just a prelude to the big holiday season, has now become a time of reflection and gratitude for me, finding myself thankful even for the difficult times. I continue to be amazed at God's goodness and how He is turning a tragedy in my life right around into a most beautiful thing.

And why did I try to hang on so long to something that made me so miserable? Because change is difficult and requires us to stretch ourselves and move beyond what we are used to--even if it's uncomfortable, cramped, and suffocating in the little box of life we resign ourselves to.

The horizon before me ever widens as time moves on. And this inexplicable sense of liberty keeps expanding as I move forward. There is still much in me that needs to change, and I'm not disillusioned to think everything will be pie in the sky. I know there will be difficult times ahead. Such is life. But I like the view I have in front of me, and I'm looking forward to the surprises God has in store.

A Symbol of My Life

This is my "tree" that my ex's grandmother gave us in the last year of our marriage. It looked different then. It was tall, ugly, and gangly. I wanted to leave it out on the deck in the winter to die, along with my marriage. But I didn't. And the next spring, along with my new life, I hacked away at all the old crap. There was new growth at the bottom, and this is what it looks like 3 years later. A symbol of my life. Oh, and I love the tree now, by the way! And my life. :o)

You can see in the background the gangly ugliness of the tree in its previous life (and we won't talk about the guilt flowers from my ex when I had NO CLUE he was being unfaithful to me, but I digress!)

Let Me Eat Cake ;o)

Last Friday night, I enjoyed a delicious slice of my ex-husband's wedding cake.

Yes, you heard that right!

The wedding and reception were held at the couple's house so my daughters, in their beautiful bridesmaid dresses, brought home enough leftovers for us to host a small dinner party ourselves. As I stood in my kitchen and partook of the delicious chocolate and cream cheese cake (home made by the bride herself), I smiled and thought of how far I have come in these past few years.

In fact, as hard as it is to explain, I felt a sense of elation that my ex was remarrying. Even though we have been disconnected for some time, this day seemed to pronounce an even deeper sensation of liberty in my life. It makes no sense, I know, but I think someday I will see.

Forgiveness is quite a beautiful thing. It is indeed a gift from God as I never ever could forgive that man on my own. Harboring anger, resentment and the bitterness that stems from it only served to make me a miserable person. As time passed, I realized how much better my life has become as a single woman. This sense of liberty arose within me, a freedom like I never knew.

I remember talking to God several years ago, feeling so trapped in a miserable marriage, wondering, "Is this all there is to life? I made a vow, 'till death do us part,' that I will adhere to, but God, is this as good as it gets?" The simple reply I got and didn't understand at the time was, "Just wait."

I received my own proposal of marriage a few weeks ago from a lovesick man who just isn't my type. His affection is endearing, but makes me realize what an independent woman I have become. At one time in my life, I felt I needed a husband to make me worthwhile. I took the first best thing to come along, even though there were many flaws and it wasn't a good match. There was true love for awhile, but it was short-lived (on his part anyway) and it left me in the cold, wondering what in the world I had been doing.

So I celebrated that night with that sweet slice of cake, wishing my ex and his bride all the best in my mind (and lots of good luck to her!!)

The path before me opens ever wider. Unlimited possibilities are within reach.

Dreams really do come true, Cinderella, and they don't always revolve around a prince.

It's a piece of cake! ;o)

"Please.....what is this......how do you say.....'carry'?" Arina from Kazakhstan asked with her wide blue eyes and shy smile.

I am beaming because I have found my calling, or actually I should say I knew my calling but am finally putting it into action!

Last week I began as a volunteer tutor in an English as a Second Language (ESL) class at a local high school. The certified teacher, Victoria, threw me right into the teaching on the very first day. It felt so natural for me to read a simple story to the class. I carefully a-nun-ci-at-ed each sound, asked the students to "repeat please," and had fun demonstrating what the word, "sway" means by moving back and forth as if I was a tree!

The class of 12 or 13 students range in age from early 20s to late 50s. Countries represented (so far) include Korea, Mexico, Ukraine, Venezuela, Kenya, Brazil, Kazakhstan, Pakistan, and El Salvador. The very first evening I walked in, the students smiled and looked at me with respect. Within 10 minutes, Soon, an older Korean lady, called me "Teacher," and my heart melted!

All these students are here voluntarily to improve their English. It's awesome that they attend for free as the program is funded through the State of Missouri.

I love it when Antonio from Mexico corrects Boris from Ukraine on the correct personal pronoun he needs for a sentence. I love it when we, as a class, from different languages, cultures and parts of the world, can share a joke and all laugh together. I love to see the look in their eyes when understanding comes upon them.

I already knew, but have learned even moreso, that a smile knows no language barriers. I love it when I see the students from different countries partnering together in their workbooks.

I love it that at last I have taken one giant leap into my future!

I'm Updating Just for You, Helen!

Um, yeah well. I'm rather embarrassed that I never seem to have anything to say here anymore. Maybe because I'm obsessed with the short-and-easy random statuses I leave on Facebook?

Kat's friend Helen told her to tell me to update, so here I am! TA-DA! :o)

I just survived another tax season. Strange, but good. My top week was 92.5 hours. The older I get, the more stamina I seem to have. Hmm. I imagine one of these years I'll just collapse for real! But I love my job. The overtime is great (and the extra cash, necessary) and the long hours are just short-term.




Now I'm in recovery mode, trying not to fall into the laziness trap and trying not to get overwhelmed by my very long to-do list. Today I made an excursion to this place. I used to be intimidated by such places back in my married days when I was a completely differently person and didn't realize that women could like this stuff too! I'm making a wishlist of cool things I want (yeah, they're really cool to me now!) leaf blower/vacuum, Shark steam mop, maybe a power washer. (I know - call me a freak!)

I've been following Dave Ramsey's program of paying off the debt I've accumulated because of and since my divorce. I haven't used a credit card since last November. Yeah! I'm anticipating being debt-free (except for the house) in three years. Then I'll be off to see the world (Lord willing!) Whee!

Another daily part of my life is this and what a HUGE blessing Brian Hardin and his ministry has been to me. I love his realness. God wants us to be REAL, not caught up in tradition and surrounded by a bubble to protect ourselves in. So many people are just too comfortable in their saved spot on the pew each week. WWJD? He got out in the streets where the real people were. I want that too.

What's in a Name?

My good friend, Kelly, posed a question on Facebook this morning: "What does your name mean and are you living up to it?" Interesting. I've always known the importance of names in biblical days, but today? I didn't give much thought to naming my girls Kaitlynn ("pure") Rose ("fame or flower") and Emily ("rival") Ann ("grace"). I just liked the beautiful sound of their names.

I Googled a name-meaning website and discovered this:

My first name Mary means "sea of bitterness" (I have swam in that sea) and "rebelliousness" (I have defiantly raised that banner high). I like the Egyptian meaning which is "beloved." My middle name is Johanna which is the female version of John which means "gracious" - So I shall call myself "Beloved Grace" and hope I can live up to that! :o)

Kelly told me that Dr. Gerald Jeffers recently spoke on the name Mary which comes from "Mariam" which originally comes from "Moriah" (bitter water). Jesus was born from something meaning "bitter" and He turned it into something great. I like that!

Which reminds me of one of my favorite worship songs, "So Beautiful" by Kari Jobe and Christ for the Nations. Here is the verse that always touches me so deeply:

Merciful Father

There is none that compares to you

Who can take my bitterness

And make something sweet?

Only You

This is a cool website to check out: Behindthename.com

So what does your name mean? Are you living up to it?

Happy New Year!

Wow....WOW

This is the first New Year's Eve since I've been a teenager that I'm not melancholy and wistful and regretful and fearful about the old year and the new.

Why has my life always revolved around have the perfect, ideal man - just having a man? I guess that's due to the fairy tales we girls are raised on. "Your Prince Charming is out there!"

Bleh.

I waited for Prince Charming and he turned out to be an ugly toad in disguise. And every New Year's Eve I wished and hoped the new year would magically turn him into a prince. But he only became more hideous.

And then *poof* he was gone. And I was sad. Because I thought he was the one and only frog. But once I realized it was a good thing he was gone, I thought instantly the REAL Prince Charming would come galloping up on his white steed.

But.....the real Prince Charming apparently had issues of his own and could not be found.

So, to make a long story short, this princess is FINALLY and happily content - truly content - to know her self-worth does not involve having a Prince Charming in her life to make her happy.

Now I celebrate the old with no regrets and look joyfully into the New Year and thankful for the road behind and the one that's ahead. No fear, no doubt, no sadness!

Praying you will have a regret-free and hopeful 2010 as well!

Mourning my Coffee Pot

Is it wrong to mourn an inanimate object? Yesterday, Emily, in all her 14-year-old carelessness, flung my coffee pot away from the wall, trying to access the microwave. I heard a crash and gasped to see my little 6-cup decanter from Gevalia strewn across the kitchen floor in millions of pieces!

It's not that big of a deal. I can probably run up to Walgreen's and get a replacement. But that coffee pot has been around 15 years and has made me many a fine cup of coffee! Since the ex didn't drink coffee, it was the perfect size for me. I could get just about 2-1/2 mugs from it.

That coffee pot saw me through major changes in my relationship with God - through many good conversations with Him and some deep, revelatory Bible studies. That coffee pot has been around since the early moments when I saw my marriage fall apart and subsequent years where I tried valiantly and failed not-so-valiantly to save my marriage. That coffee pot has seen me through laughter, tears, hundreds of journal entries, hours on the phone, hours spent online, chatting with friends or emailing, comforting times in the sunroom, watching the rain, or the snow. That coffee pot has been around for all the holidays over the years and since my girls were very small!

*sniff*

Thank you for sharing this time of mourning with me. Thankfully I still have my big coffee pot to fall back on!

An Orange in Your Stocking

I'm trying to be healthy amidst the holiday banquets, Christmas cookies, and extra decadent treats that appear this time of year. As I ate my egg substitute breakfast and peeled the orange to go with it, I reflected on Christmases of my early years. Mom used to always put an orange in our stocking, along with the standard pack of gum, pair of socks, and other trinkets.

I could never understand the point of the orange. Why is it a gift when I can walk into the kitchen and take one out of the fruit basket any time I please? Mom explained that when she was a child, an orange was a rare thing and considered to be a big treat when found in a stocking on Christmas morn.

Following tradition, I pack my own children's (and nieces' and nephew's) stockings with the standard package of gum, pair of socks, and other trinkets. It's not surprising to see my girls politely smile at the package of gum and wonder why it's there when they can have gum any time they choose. I explain to them that growing up in a household of five children and one income, a WHOLE package of gum to ourselves was indeed a treat to us!

It makes me wonder what items will be found in the Christmas stockings of my grandchildren someday. Will they look to their mothers and ask, "Why is this here?" and listen as their moms explain that when they were a child, it was a rare treat indeed.

Wishing you and yours a very blessed Christmas and Happy New Year!

My List

Back in January or February, I made the following ATS "after tax season" list of things I wanted to accomplish. I'm proud to say that over half of these are checked off! I have come to a place of forgiveness in my life and with that comes great blessing! I am seeing dreams coming true. Wow, God is so cool! :o)

WALK far and long.
Get in shape.
Get healthy.

CLIMB stairs at Creve Coeur Lake.
(prepare for my future)

Get in a routine.

Thoroughly clean one room per night for starters.

Yardwork/garden ---> *Stop being afraid and learn to enjoy it!

It's good for you and satisfying to the soul.*

Work out and implement a debt reduction plan.

Contact International Institute.
Meet Bhutanese/Nepalese.

It's Time for Me to Fly!

*Free Chick!*

"I'm tired of holding onto a feeling I know is gone. I do believe that I've had enough....I believe it's time for me to fly." - (written by Kevin Cronin, REO Speedwagon)


Tomorrow, July 10, 2009, marks the one-year anniversary of my Emancipation....from the heartache, worry, stress, grief, pain, anguish, dashed hopes and dreams of a failed marriage that I tried so hard to make work on my own.


Whoa, before I get too melodramatic here, let me say this this has been a FANTASTIC year! I have been more than abundantly blessed by God. My Jehovah Jireh (my Provider). I have no cause for worry. This past year has been a relief.


I wish I could say that I'm completed healed from my 20-year-old marriage crashing down but I'm impatiently learning how things take time even when we want to rush them along.


So last year at this time, the future was so BRIGHT for me (even through the pain). I made a list of the new hopes and dreams I had. But I've learned in the past year, sometimes we think we are going from Point A to Point B but may end up at Point C, something totally unexpected. How cool is that!?

I'm renewing old friendships and making new ones and feel so blessed at all the people I have in my life. I just became president of my company's Toastmasters club (who me?!) Life is constantly changing.

Sometimes what we think is bad can sometimes turn out to be really good.

Excuses, Excuses!

Okay, a real post this time! ;o) Em dropped my camera right before tax season and I feel lost blogging without any "real" pictures! Then she dropped HER camera I bought her for Christmas. As soon as it's back from repair (thankfully I forked over the extra $25 for the warranty), I'm stealing it from her and getting back into the groove!

This is the second weekend after Tax Day and I feel like it's finally a "real" weekend. Last weekend I was still out of it from exhaustion. I find myself in the place where I question myself. Where do you draw the line between relaxing and just being plain lazy! ;o)

At the end of tax season, my mind is full of plans for afterwards: projects, organizing, painting, cleaning, learning to like yard work. Then, it never fails, a few weeks after tax season ends, I find myself drained and lacking motivation.

Next weekend I am traveling to the Ozarks (a 4-hour drive from here) with a group of friends for a MUCH NEEDED scrapbooking retreat! We are renting a huge house on the lake. I sooooooo need a getaway in order to get back into scrapbooking mode. Plus a BIG bonus!! Jenn, one of my AOL scrapbooking loopies (we've been together as a group over 10 years) will be driving up to scrap with us one day. This will be the first time I have ever met one of my loopies, so.................. I CAN'T WAIT!!

Table Rock Lake in southwest Missouri

Okay, I'm getting my butt up from the computer and going to do something productive about here.

Stay tuned!!! (Oh, and thanks for reading, by the way!)

Heartbeat, Its a Lovebeat- Defranco Family

Ah, my 6th grade love, Tony Defranco! (This is where my love of Italian men started! LOL)

Beauty in Unexpected Places

We have been having some beautiful spring weather here in Missouri lately. But our motto is, "If you don't like the weather in Missouri, stick around--it will change!" I should know better than to get excited about good weather so early in the season.

Sure enough, I awoke Saturday morning to rainy, damp, cold weather. I went out into the sunroom and was pleasantly surprised with this sight! I bought this plant last summer. It has survived all winter despite my neglect (I think I've only watered it three times all winter!) The pot had even turned over on its side.

This was a gentle reminder to me that life can take us by surprise. We can't always go by what we see on the outside. Outside it was rainy and cold, but inside, new life was blooming, even in a place where it was unexpected.

Happy Spring!